I used to think I was a good listener.
Then someone told me: "You listen to fix, not to understand."
That hurt.
Because it was true.
Now I know - great listeners don't:
• Jump in with solutions
• Share their similar stories
• Fill silences with small talk
• Give advice nobody asked for
• Make conversations about themselves
• Rush to fill uncomfortable moments
Instead, they do something rare:
They create space for connection and understanding to emerge.
(Even when it is uncomfortable.)
And it changed everything.
5 habits that transformed my listening (and might just transform yours):
1/ Extended Silence
Let thoughts breathe. Most gold comes after the pause. The real story often starts where most conversations end. Trust the silence.
2/ Zero Fixing
Unless explicitly asked, your solutions stay in your pocket. Most people don't need your advice. They need your presence. The answers they seek often lie within them.
3/ Full Presence
Your phone is a barrier. Choose presence or choose distraction. There is no middle ground. Every glance at your screen says "Something else matters more."
4/ Genuine Questions
Not disguised advice. Not leading questions. Real curiosity. "What was that like for you?" or "What matters most about this?" Let their answers surprise you.
5/ Comfort with Discomfort
Some conversations need space for sadness, anger, or confusion. Not every moment needs fixing. Not every story needs a happy ending. Sometimes holding space is the solution.
This isn't easy listening.
It's not for everyone.
And that's exactly why it matters.
If you:
- Need to be seen as helpful
- Can't handle silence
- Always have a solution
- Love giving advice
- Think faster than you listen
This path will be painful.
But necessary.
Try it today:
One conversation.
Complete presence.
No fixing.
No sharing.
Just space.
You might feel useless.
You might feel uncomfortable.
You might feel like you're doing it wrong.
That's the point.
Real listening isn't about you.
It never was.
Inspired by Kate Murphy's "You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters" and brought to you by Omar's Desk.
